Co-Regulation to Self-Regulation: For Your Kiddos... and You

Co-regulation is necessary for self-regulation.

In your adult life, have you ever experienced BIG feelings and the only way you can think to express them in the moment is to just cry it out?

Or phone a friend to vent?

Scream into a pillow?

Or exercise away the frustration?

Yeah, me too. All of them and more. These are all attempts in emotional regulation and a healthy use of coping mechanisms.

And they’re learned over time – through connection with others – through co-regulation. Over time, as you learn to co-regulate with another, you develop the skills and emotional intelligence to self-regulate.

But it always starts with co-regulation first.

Co-regulation vs. Self-regulation

Co-regulation simply means relying on another to help you emotionally regulate – to calm your nervous system and ease your mind. And it can look different based on age. But we’ll dive into that more as we go on.

Self-regulation is the learned and developed ability to emotionally regulate on your own. No longer do you require someone else to help you find your center and remain calm, you’ve developed the tools  to do that for yourself.

Co-regulation looks different based on age.

Co-regulation typically begins at birth – and it looks different based on age. As you read through the different stages through ages, keep in mind that these techniques for co-regulation build upon one another as you transition from age group to age group.

Up to 1 Year

From birth to one year, co-regulation looks like responding to distress by using a soothing, calming voice, and a gentle embrace. When baby starts crying, co-regulation is holding them, rocking them, singing to them & speaking calmly. You can also choose to remove the stimuli or change the environment as a way to help soothe and calm.

Toddlerhood

By the time kids are into their toddler years, not only can you co-regulate using the techniques above, but not you can also begin to start shifting their focus – distracting them from whatever is distressing. This age is a great time to begin teaching words that can help them to express themselves, while also understanding there are limits in their communication.

Preschool

By preschool age, kids may already have exposure to peers, which will naturally help in developing co-regulation. In addition, you can begin modeling healthy tools for regulation, such as mindful breathing. You can even use counting breaths as a helpful tool as you teach them. 

At this age it’s helpful to begin teaching them to tune into their bodies and the sensations they experience as they also experience emotions. Asking questions like, “what do you feel? Where do you feel this emotion in your body?” is a simple start – and their answers don’t need to make sense so don’t worry about getting attached to that. At this point, it’s all about awareness and beginning to identify the emotion as it arises.

Ages 6 - 10

By this point kids are usually full-time in school, and with co-regulation between peers, this age is great for teaching problem-solving skills. Start small by offering possibilities for problem-solving, like taking deep breaths, taking turns, finding support from an adult, walking away, or utilizing a co-regulation tool.

Early Adolescence (Ages 11 - 14)

Continue to build and expand on problem-solving skills. In addition, emphasis and teach organization and time management – which ultimately acts as a preventative measure. When stressors do arise, encourage healthy coping mechanisms like exercise, listening to music, meditation, and yoga. From there you can begin teaching critical thinking to encourage thinking through actions beforehand. 

Late Adolescence & Onward

At this point kids have pretty much developed self-regulation and now it is mainly your job to offer guidance as needed, or requested. There will still be times when your kiddo seeks co-regulation, and that’s okay! Heck, as adults we still use co-regulation as well (how often to you seek out support and guidance from your partner or friends?) The beauty is that through teaching co-regulation throughout childhood, this creates a safe container for your child to turn to you for guidance later on in life. 

Co-regulation doesn’t mean perfection.

As parents or caregivers, we love our children so much, and so intensely, that we constantly strive to be exactly what they need at any given moment. We constantly strive for perfection. Even though we know that perfection just doesn’t exist – and it never will. 

That’s not only normal – it’s okay! 

Co-regulation can be challenging. Especially if you’re feeling triggered by the expression of big emotions and actions. Remember first and foremost to take a moment. Catch your breath. Intentionally breathe a little deeper, and try your best to center yourself and regulate first.

If you ever too triggered to effectively co-regulate, don’t hesitate to seek out professional help. Seeking help does not mean you’ve failed, or you’re less than in any way. 

If anything, it is a true testament of your love for your child. It is courageous and beautiful to heal and learn and grow in order to better yourself, and your relationships with others – including your child.

You’re never alone. And you were never meant to do it alone.

Co-regulation doesn’t solely fall on you…

Co-regulation happens naturally a lot of times. While the earlier years do often fall on the main caregiver(s), kids learn co-regulation through their time spent with family, friends, peers, and within community. 

Sometimes it can be helpful to seek out ways for your kids to connect within community and with other peers. It can take some of the burden off of you while also being fun and enjoyable – as well as educational – for your kiddos.

This summer Sol Luna Yoga is offering a variety of opportunities for your child to naturally develop co-regulations skills. Be sure to sign up for our weekly newsletter to stay up-to-date on details, registration… and even some opportunities for yourself to develop and strengthen your self-regulation skills.